Meaningless Words
by burkle
Summary: Connor knows who lies and who doesn't. Or at least he thinks he does. But things can be deceiving, as he learns the hard way. Set during "Inside Out".


A/N - Dude. Don't ask. I have no idea where this messed up stuff for Connor comes from. I write this extremely screwed up character far too easily. I'm really scaring myself here. I'm worried for my sanity.  
But anywho, this fic is set during the season four episode "Inside Out", and it's all from Connor's point of view.

Props to Betsy and Karla, the bestest betas ever!

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**Meaningless Words**  
_by: burkle_

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Something wasn't right. Connor could sense it. For some reason he was worried about Cordelia. He decided to follow her scent and track her, just in case she was in trouble or something. He found her pretty quickly. She was in the basement of the Hyperion, and she wasn't alone. Connor could see the figure of his father, Angel, and his coworkers. Fred, Wes, and Lorne were all there as well. He watched them for a few moments and was just about to turn around and leave when suddenly Angel and Cordy were locked together in some kind of struggle. Connor knew something hadn't been right. He watched as something that looked suspiciously like a knife went flying away. Why on earth did his father have a knife? Was he trying to use it to stab Cordelia? Connor couldn't think of any other reason for having a knife. But why? He then noticed that Lorne had a small crossbow in hand and that Fred was holding a gun. Probably a tranquilizer gun, Fred seemed to use those a lot. Did they all have some kind of weapon? Why would they? It dawned on Connor what was going on here ... they were attacking Cordelia. They were trying to kill her. It was the only logical reason for why they were all in the basement, with weapons, and attacking Cordy.

Without stopping to think about what he was about to do Connor jumped into the fray. He had only one thing on his mind : to save Cordelia and their unborn child. He had sworn to Cordelia that he would do just that, and there was no way he was going to let any of them, especially his father, harm her. He heard his father shout something at him, but he didn't care. He wasn't listening. He was too angry with Angel for what he was doing right now. He shoved his father out of the way and into Wesley. He saw Lorne fire at him. Connor dodged it and knocked Lorne over. Next in his way was Fred. He twister her arm around and fired the tranq gun at his father. His aim was good, he had hit Angel. He hit Fred, hard. Now they were all out of his way. He grabbed Cordy's hand, and they took off running.

The two of them ran away from the Hyperion as quickly as they could given Cordelia's condition. Connor didn't stop to think until the two of them were far away from the old hotel. Before he knew it they were downtown. He found an old and abandoned meat packaging warehouse. Finally he was free to stop and think. He was shocked. Why were they all attacking Cordelia like that? What did she do? What the hell was happening? He assured Cordy that they would be safe here and that Angel wouldn't find them.

"Why were they trying to hurt you?" he asked.

"They're afraid, of you, of me, of what our love has created," Cordelia replied. "They were going to kill it and me if you hadn't come." Connor was shocked as she confirmed his fears. How could Angel do this? And why? After all, Angel was his father, and Connor just couldn't believe that even he would do something like this.

"How could he do that?"

"He hates you, Connor. I didn't want to believe it, but he does. He hates you for being with me." There was more she was saying, but Connor didn't hear a word of it. His insides went numb at this news. Did his father really hate him? Was Cordy telling the truth? Connor had never known her to lie, especially to him, and he couldn't see why she would be lying about this. It looked like he had no choice but to accept that what she had said was true. So his father really did hate him. Connor and Angel weren't exactly friends, and sometimes Angel could be a huge jerk, but still. Connor knew that his father loved him, despite all that. At least Connor thought he did, but he wasn't really sure, especially not now. Now Angel hated him? And all because of Cordelia? It was stupid. Getting jealous to the point of hatred because of a girl being with somebody else? It seemed ridiculous to Connor's mind. It's not like he had planned, or wanted, any of this to happen. His relationship with Cordy was all a big mistake. If she hadn't thought the world was about to end the night it rained fire none of this would have happened, and if Cordy hadn't gotten pregnant it probably would have ended there. It wasn't ...

Connor was pulled out of his reverie by Cordelia kissing him. He was still in shock. His brain barely registered that Cordy was telling him that Angel had turned everybody against them. She looked scared. Connor comforted her, hugging her and whispering that he wouldn't let them hurt her.

For some reason the last hideout hadn't suited Cordelia. So Connor had now found a different warehouse for them to hide out in. Cordy was assuring him it would all work out. Connor was still shocked about all of it. He had an idea, maybe it wasn't really Angel. Maybe it was Angelus. He ran this by Cordelia, who quickly nixed the idea.

"It was Angel, you know it was." she told him.

"Everything he said about how I could help make the world a better place, about being a champion." Connor said. She explained it was all a bunch of lies, meant to keep him in his place and control him. Connor had trouble understanding this, as his brain was already in overload attempting to process everything else. Connor told her that he couldn't believe it, that he had thought Fred, Lorne, Wes, Gunn all were good.

"What does that mean, really? Being good? Doing the right thing? By who's judgment? Good, evil — they're just words, Connor. Concepts of morality they forced around your neck to yank you wherever they please." Cordelia explained. Connor took a moment to let that sink in. Cordy was right. They were only words, they had no meaning really, only the meaning you gave them. It kind of made sense.

Cordy informed Connor that Angel wouldn't stop until he had found them.

"Let him come. I can take him." he insisted.

Cordy grabbed his hand and placed it to her belly. Connor felt the baby move. He gasped. Feeling his child kick was definitely something new and amazing to him. He didn't pay much attention to what Cordy was now saying. She was explaining to him a way to speed up the birthing process so that the baby could be born now, before Angel got there and tried to kill them all. Connor agreed to do whatever it was she wanted to help the baby.

So Connor left Cordelia alone in the warehouse, hoping that she would be ok and that Angel wouldn't turn up. Connor was roaming the streets of Los Angeles, looking for the things she had instructed him to bring to her. Cordy have given him very specific instructions for what she needed. He wasn't feeling too sure any about this. He didn't like this very much. It definitely couldn't be good. But then again, what had Cordy told him? Good, evil ... they were only words.

He followed a vampire chasing a blonde girl down a dark alley.

"Mmm ... I really love virgins." the vampire said. The vampire was about to kill the frightened girl, but before he ever got a chance to do that Connor drove a stake though the vampire's heart, dusting it. Under different circumstances Connor would have enjoyed getting a good fight, or even just a few good punches, in before dusting the vampire, but now he knew there wasn't time. Cordelia was waiting for him. She needed the things he had been sent out to get, and soon.

"You alright?" he asked the girl, who was now in tears.

"He tried to kill ..."

"I know. Did he hurt you?" he interrupted. The girl said no and started thanking him. Connor took a quick look around, nodded awkwardly at the girl, took a quick, deep, and steadying breath, and then punched her in the face. She was knocked out cold.

It had been very awkward getting the girl back to Cordy. He had to be careful that nobody saw him, because it really would look suspicious for him to be dragging the unconscious girl around town. Connor was used to this sort of thing though, well maybe not so much the dragging unconscious girls around part. It didn't take him all that long to bring her back. The girl, whose face was now bruised and bloodied from being hit by Connor, was now tied up their hideout. He cast a pained look at her. He knew he had to do it, but he really didn't want to. Even telling himself that good was nothing more than a word wasn't really helping him feel better about it now. He wished in vain for another way. Cordelia was speaking to him again, telling him not to listen to his heart because it would it would lie to him. How? Why? Why would his heart lie to him? Connor didn't think that exactly made sense, but he trusted Cordy and knew she wasn't lying to him. She was telling him to mourn for the girl but to remember she was only a normal, average person. And that her death would have meaning.

"Her blood for our baby. That's more than fair. Isn't it?" she asked. Connor figured she was right about that.

Cordelia, apparently pleased with convincing Connor, walked into the next room. Connor watched Cordy chanting for a few seconds. He turned and walked into the room where the girl was. She was coming to. Connor, kneeling in front of her, offered her some water. She started crying again, begging to be let go.

"My mom's going to be so mad." Connor really wished she hadn't said that. It upset him very much. Families were always a sore point with him because didn't exactly have one like everybody else.

"I'm sorry" he said softly. He didn't see how it was going to help the girl, or make up for what he was doing to her, but he felt like he should say something.

"Listen" said an echoing voice. Connor looked around suspiciously, but he couldn't see anybody. Who was talking? What the hell was going on here? There it was again. He heard the voice a second time. Was he hearing things? Where was the voice ... holy shit! A pretty blonde woman had suddenly appeared out of nowhere. It was Darla, Connor's mother.

"The Powers have sent me to give you a message." said Darla.

She wasn't his mother, she couldn't be. His mother was dead. There was no way she could be here right now talking to Connor. This couldn't be her, it just couldn't be. It wasn't possible.

"You can't be my mother"

"I have her memories, her feelings. Isn't that what makes a person who they are?" she replied. What the hell kind of answer was that? Not a very good one in Connor's mind. The girl begged to be let go again. Darla turned to her. The girl had gone back to crying again. Connor looked at his mother watching the girl with curiosity. She was telling Connor about fear and how she had nurtured it in all of her many victims. Connor was still very, very confused. Darla was dead. He knew she was. She had been for quite a while now. So how was it possible that she was here now, talking to him? None of this was making any sense at all to Connor.

"My mother's dead," he said softly. The girl looked up at him, startled. Wait a minute, couldn't she see Darla? Couldn't she hear Connor speaking with his mother? It seemed like Connor was the only one would see Darla. Was he losing his mind? Hallucinating? What the hell was happening? Darla was talking about how she had shared his soul and blah blah blah, but Connor wasn't very interested in what she had to say. He was becoming quite panicked by this time. Could this girl really not see his mother, who was standing right next to her? If that was the case and she honestly couldn't see Darla, then why could Connor see her? What the hell was happening?

"Why'd you leave me? Did you hate me that much?" Connor asked her scathingly. He listened to his mother's explanation about how she did what she had to do. He was more than a bit freaked out by her saying she would "die every day for the rest of eternity" for him if she had to. For some reason Connor didn't find it exactly comforting or reassuring.

"And this is how you repay me?" Darla rounded on him as she watched the girl. Connor, resignedly, said that they need her, for the baby. To keep it safe.

"By anointing it in the blood of an innocent? You really think that safety can be plucked from the arms of an evil deed?"

"Good, evil. They're just words." Connor replied, echoing what Cordelia had told him earlier.

"Don't let this happen, Connor. Don't let my death mean nothing."

"They hate us because we're special." Connor insisted.

"I don't hate you! Please!" the girl choked out between sobs. She was really crying hard now. Again Darla said something, and Connor didn't pay attention. His thoughts were elsewhere. Why was he seeing his dead mother? Why was she here? And why couldn't this stupid girl see her too? She was standing right there, watching the girl with curiosity! How could she not see Darla?

"They wanted to kill me when I was still inside of you." Connor said.

"But that changed when they saw you, held you in their arms, felt the warmth of your skin, the goodness in your heart." As his mother explained that Connor glanced at the girl. She was horrified, looking up at him like he was completely and utterly crazy. Well, he certainly felt like he was. He was talking to his dead mother for God's sake! So he couldn't really blame her for thinking that.

"And it will happen again when they hold my child!" He cast a cold look at the poor girl. "It's the only way." He tried to convince his mother, but she just wasn't listening to him. She kept insisting he had a choice, but he didn't see how.

"You think I want to do this?" Connor asked her.

"Then don't."

"I have to." Connor was getting very close to tears now. He was very upset.

"Why?" Darla asked. She gestured to Cordelia, who was still chanting in the other room. "Because she told you to?" She continued trying to get him to not do it.

"Her blood for our baby. That's fair, isn't it?" asked Connor, again echoing Cordelia.

"Please, I want to go home!" the girl wept.

"Shut up!" Connor screamed at her.

"This isn't you, Connor." Darla protested. Connor was getting more and more conflicted and confused by the minute. He had no idea what he should do.

"You've been gone a long time, Mom. How would you know?" he replied. He didn't know why, but his voice came out in a low, and creepy sounding, tone.

"Because we shared a soul. I feel the pain, the anger, the hurt, like it were my own. But most of all, I feel the good in you and no matter how much you're beaten or twisted or lied to, it's still there in your heart. I know it, and deep down, you know it, too." Darla said. Connor could feel the tears falling down his cheeks now.

Connor decided to listen to Darla, and now he was untying the girl to let her go. Why? He didn't know. He had no clue at all what was happening. He was just so damn confused and upset. He was quieting the girl as he untied her.

"What are you doing?" Oh shit! It was Cordelia, standing in the doorway, a meat cleaver in hand. He was so screwed now.

"Nothing!" he cried, jumping up quickly. "I .. uh ..." Cordy only told him it was time to take the girl into the other room.

"Listen to your heart." said Darla.

Connor, somewhat hesitantly, repeated what his mother had said about anointing their baby with innocent blood. Cordelia wasn't impressed. She said she wondered if there was somebody else there.

"She'll lie to you." said Darla. This back and forth between the two women was quickly getting annoying, not to mention extremely confusing, for Connor. Oh, how he wanted it to stop.

Cordy reminded Connor that Angel and the others liked using magic. God, he hated magic. Nothing but very bad things happened when you messed with that stuff. She said Angel was trying to trick him, which Connor had to admit was pretty likely to be true. Cordelia continued to search around for the other person in the room.

And then it started up again. Darla would say something. Then Cordelia would. Darla was telling him not to listen to Cordelia, that she was lying. Cordy was telling him not to listen to his mother (though she didn't know it was her), that it was only a trick. Back and forth, back and forth. Connor raised his hands up to his ears, trying to block them out. He couldn't take it. It was driving him insane.

"It's Angel," said Cordelia.

"No." Darla told him.

"Trying to turn you against me with a cheap vision of ..." Cordy paused for a moment. "... Darla!

Connor had never, ever felt so relieved in his entire life. Cordy knew his mom was there. Maybe he wasn't going crazy after all. His feeling of relief increased with that thought.

"You can see her?" he asked.

"I can see the lies." Connor felt his stomach sink. He felt awful again. So she couldn't see Darla. But then how did she know his mother was there? Why could only he see Darla? Was he ever going to know what the hell was happening to him?

Cordelia and Darla were doing it again. One would say something, then the other would say something completely different. Both of the women were trying to get him to listen to them and not the other. He had never been more confused and unsure than he was right now. Connor was having a very hard time listening to them. This was awful. He knew he couldn't take this much longer. He was about to go crazy. Well, if he was seeing dead mother how could he be sure he wasn't crazy already? As they kept making dueling pleas to him Connor silently begged them to stop it. Couldn't they see how upset he was getting? Surely he would go insane if this went on too much longer. He was so confused, so very confused. Connor didn't think it would ever stop, they just wouldn't quit. He realized he needed to take a stand. He had to choose one of them to listen to. Darla kept making her desperate pleas. Cordelia kept pushing him. All he wanted was for them to stop.

"You are not my mother!" he shouted at Darla. He was crying again now.

He grabbed the girl, who was now sobbing hysterically, by the wrists and dragged her into the next room. It was as if time had slowed down for Connor. The few brief seconds it took him to get there seemed to go on for days and days. Connor watched as Cordelia raised the cleaver. The girl looked up at him. Only she wasn't the girl anymore, it was Darla. She had somehow turned into Darla.

Connor stared at his mother, terrified. What the hell was going on? He had to be out of his mind crazy, he just had to. There couldn't possibly be any other explanation for why this girl all of the sudden looked like his dead vampiress mother. Yeah, he was most definitely crazy.

"Please, don't do this, Connor!" Darla pleaded.

Connor watched as Cordelia lifted the cleaver. Why? Why was all of this happening? Cordy swung the cleaver. Could there possibly be any explanation for why he was seeing Darla? The cleaver continued its downward path. Was he really going crazy? He wished this was all just a bad dream. The cleaver was even closer now. Another second or two and it would hit the girl. Please, oh please, let this all be nothing more than a nightmare. Just a bad dream. Horrified, Connor watched as the cleaver finally found its target, cutting deeply into the girl's skin.

Connor received a jolt back to reality. Time went back to normal speed. He was splattered with drops of blood, which were now covering his face. His thought process had been stopped dead in its tracks. He looked at the girl and was alarmed to see that she still looked like his mother. He was definitely going to be screwed up for the rest of his life as a direct result of all this. It was just way too messed up. Connor felt numb and sick with shock. He was disgusted.

"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Cordy asked. She didn't seem troubled one bit about murdering the poor, innocent girl. Connor couldn't help but disagree with her though. His insides felt cold. He was sickened. He felt like he was going to vomit.

He heard Cordelia's voice saying something to him again. She was telling him that they needed to do it now. Slowly Connor stopped thinking about his feelings of guilt and remorse and listened to her. He looked at the girl's dead body. She looked like herself now, not that it made Connor feel any better. She was just laying there. He felt even worse. He went over to the girl and stooped down, placing his hand in the puddle of blood that was now forming under her. Cordy was chanting again. Connor walked over to her and placed his bloody hand on her belly. She screamed in pain. Suddenly the building was shaking. What the hell was going on? Oh my God. What had they done?

The building was still shaking violently. Connor was a little worried, ok he was more than a little worried.

"Cordy! Something's wrong. We have to stop it." he said.

"No, it's coming." Cordy replied. She was laughing. Connor couldn't understand why, he certainly didn't see anything even remotely funny about the current situation. He couldn't ever remember feeling less like laughing than he did right now.

"It's coming. The beginning of a new world." she said.

"Or not." said a voice. Connor stood up and turned around. It was Angel.

Connor glared at his father. What the hell was he doing here? How dare he?

"She lied to you, Connor." said Angel.

"Don't listen!" exclaimed Cordelia.

"To all of us. That's not Cordelia."

"Leave us alone!" yelled Connor.

A hatred like Connor had never known was now replacing all of the guilt, remorse, and confusion he had just been feeling moments before. How dare he? How dare Angel come here and say that Cordelia was lying? Connor was furious. He noticed a sword in his father's hand. It looked like Angel was here to finish the job he had tried to earlier. He was going to kill Cordelia and the baby. Well, he'd have to kill Connor first because over his dead body was the only way he would let Angel hurt her or the baby. He prepared himself for a fight. God, it was going to feel so good to beat the crap out of his father. He readied himself to attack Angel.

"Kill him! Kill him, Connor!" Cordelia told him.

Connor didn't need to be told twice. He lunged at his father. Angel and Connor were fighting furiously. He was amazed at how quickly he was over feeling guilty about murdering that girl. Then again he wasn't sure he felt much of anything just then. Only an all consuming hatred of his father. He knew Angel was more than willing to kill Cordelia to get to the baby, but Connor wondered if Angel was really willing to kill him, Connor, to get there as well. After all those times Angel had told him he loved him? It didn't seem real to Connor, none of this did. Why exactly were he and his father fighting, probably to the death? Over the baby. But surely there had to be some way they could have worked all this out. Connor really didn't want to kill Angel, but he knew that he had to for Cordy and the baby. Connor felt his father's fist hit him, hard. He fell to the ground with the force of the blow.

"You think I want to do this?" he asked Connor.

Angel picked up his sword that Connor had knocked away and walked over to Cordelia. He raised the sword, preparing to strike.

"I'm so sorry."

He was going to do it. He was actually going to kill Cordelia, and the baby too. Connor couldn't believe it. He quickly got up and started running over to save her.

Cordy screamed in pain again, and this time a bright light radiated from her belly. Connor felt himself being knocked backwards into the wall. He noticed the same had happened to his father. There was something in that light, but it wasn't clearly visible. All that Connor could make out were ... tentacles? Tentacles? What the hell? His child had tentacles? Now he knew this was all an extremely messed up nightmare, it had to be. There was no way this could possibly be happening.

The light slowly faded away. As it faded the ... the thing inside of the light became more and more clear and visible. It was human shaped. Once the light was completely faded away Connor could see that it was a woman.

"Oh my God." said Angel. He dropped to his knees. Connor did as well, not entirely sure why.

"You're beautiful." his father said, clearly awed.

Beautiful? Beautiful? What? Connor hadn't seen anything this hideous since his days in Quor-toth. Beautiful? Her face was rotting, and there were maggots crawling out of her skin! Obviously Angel couldn't be seeing the same thing he was. Well, that kind of made sense. Connor was the only one who could see Darla earlier, so he figured it wasn't too much of a stretch that he was the only one could see how grotesque she was really was. It was probably a spell of some kind he thought. God knows that if he, Connor, looked like that he'd want to cast a spell so nobody could see what he truly looked like. But why could he see her real face? Did it have something to do with being her father? Could Cordelia see it too? Well, no. She was passed out so she couldn't really see anything now could she?

Connor stared at his child. Her looks didn't really bother him any, after growing up in the Darkest of the Dark dimensions he had seen plenty of things much worse than this. He glanced over at his father, who was still staring at her in awe, like she was the most beautiful and greatest thing he had ever seen. Why was Angel looking at her like that? Connor wondered about that. Cordelia had always said how wonderful their child was going to be ... and how it would change everything. It was all starting to make sense now. He looked over at Cordy. Then he looked at his father, who wasn't acting like anything at all resembling his normal self. Had Cordelia known that things would change this much? She had to have known. Then why hadn't she ever told him just how much it was all going to change? She knew, but she didn't tell him ... which meant she had to have strung him along all this time. So she had been lying to him all this time. Exactly like Holtz had lied to him all those years. Everybody Connor had loved and cared for had done nothing but lie to him and manipulate him. Did everybody lie to you? Even those who loved you and you loved back? Could you really trust anybody to tell the truth? Connor knew now. You couldn't. His whole life had been nothing but lies, and with the sick feeling returning to him again he realized it would continue the same way.

"Angel." she said, smiling.

Connor just stared at her and kept silent. The lies would be starting again no doubt, and this time he wasn't going to be the one who was lied to. For a change, he was going to be the one doing the lying. He would be in control. What did it matter anyway? Good, bad ... just words, just words without any meaning at all. His father was too busy adoring his daughter, who was too busy with Angel and apparently also was not worrying about him, Connor, at all. And Cordelia was still out cold. Connor wondered if she was going to come out of it, but something told him she wouldn't. He didn't have anybody anymore. He was all alone. So he took what he had learned during his life and what he had been taught by Cordelia and decided to start using it. Yes, for once he wasn't going to be the one who everybody else lied to. For a change he would be the one lying. After all, it wasn't like it mattered. Everybody else lied all the time too. And besides, they were only meaningless words.


End file.
